10 signs you may have missed the rapture...

I read this list on Wittenburg Door this morning and nearly spit out my iced coffee because of the hilarity! To make it totally worthwhile, though, there were at least two uppercuts to TBN in the list. That always makes me smile. Big. :-)

top 10 peeves dogs have with humans...

Top 10 Peeves Dogs Have With Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG! Hello, throw me a friggin' bone!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo oooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

an ENRON moment...

Looking out the window in my office, I see a truck with CINTAS: Document Management on the side and men loading large (what could only be described as) trash cans onto the truck.

Wouldn't it be easier to just shred the incriminating documents yourself instead of hiring someone to do it?

I'm telling you, nothing on television is as funny as real life.
***Please do not read the above line as an endorsement of reality television of any sort.

if you're reading this, you too have missed the rapture...

While, I know this story is false, I could almost see it happening in the Southeast United States somewhere...probably Alabama.

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses.Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," saidPaul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve blow up dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."

public service announcement....

This is a public service announcement of disciples' refuge blog:

Please be warned, these cute, cuddly dogs that we have living among us have one goal in mind: the complete annihilation of the human race, even if they can only do it one person at a time. Never before have we faced such an enemy. The threats of international terrorism are nothing compared to this. They do not seek our conversion at the point of a sword, they desire our deaths!

This, in my humble opinion, should probably be the main issue of the Presidential primaries and subsequent election. What will Obama or Romney do to keep the American people safe from this formidable, deeply entrenched threat? (At least it wouldn't be as much bull as all the candidates are spouting right now!)

disciples' refuge investigators have recently discovered and taken photographs of the Lord High Canis, the rule of the Dog nation.

Although it may look like Lord High Canis is chewing on his foot, he is in fact pulling out a dagger that he was planning to use to kill our investigators. Thankfully, our man (or woman) was able to make a quick strategic withdrawal.

Clearly, folks, we need to up our preparedness regarding this imminent threat. Otherwise, the entire human race will be destroyed. There is no if's, and's or but's about it. If you think this is a joke, let me ask you one question: Where do you think the Pound Puppies got their name? It wasn't because they lived at "the pound". They were a super-elite canine fighting force that could kill a human with one hit or one "pound" of their paw. They were not cute...they were vicious...they are vicious!

- mike

I promise some serious, thoughtful posts after this one. Seriously.

just in case...

Just in case there are Sen Clinton fans out there who were offended by a previous post, I wanted to offer an olive branch to you:

Smeagol/Ron Paul at a Press Conference...

Just in case the Ron Paul fans are offended, don't worry. After watching the New Hampshire debates (which was a brilliant idea - both parties on one night), I have o' so much comedy to publish on this site! In addition to the comedy, the debate also made me think about a lot of the issues that were raised by each of the candidates which I hope to begin publishing on-line within the near future (nothing uber-long, no worries, and still hopefully humorous and easy to read) such as immigration reform, tax reform, Iraq, etc. I think some of the candidates have good ideas, but I think most are just blowing some out of their "you know what's".

Anyways...anyone else think Governor Richardson looks somewhat like an Oompa Loompa?

-mike

lessons gleaned from answering phones...

With nearly three months under the belt at WJK books, I think that I should begin sharing some of the lessons I've learned while working Customer Service. I'm going to share a few today, but I hope to share these valuable tidbits with you for a long time (at least a month or so!).

So, here are the inaugural lessons gleaned from answering phones:

1) If you use a hearing aid, you really need to put it in before dialing and not five minutes into the phone call!

2) Just because someone is talking very loudly over the phone doesn't mean they are yelling at the person on the other end (see #1).

3) Apparently, sometime "way back yonder", product could be shipped by Greyhound Bus. Those who remember those days are horrified to find out that Greyhound no longer does that.

4) What part of "You have the wrong number, ma'am." is so hard to comprehend?

5) After I tell you I do not speak Spanish, it is pretty much useless to begin spouting off the "ole espaniol"!

I hope you had as much fun reading these as I did learning them (at least in hindsight!). More to come next week.

the church office...

For the past six months or so, many of my friends and co-workers (now former co-workers), have been enraptured in a show called The Office. They kept telling me I would love it and needed to watch it. I'm not a bandwagon fan, so I solidly held my ground and refused to be assimilated. Desiring to be an informed malcontent (unlike many Christians when they decide something is bad or evil), I decided to watch a few episodes. I do admit it was somewhat funny (I did not see the hilarity that everyone else saw). The tension between Jim and Pam is cute. Michael is incredibly annoying. Dwight...well Dwight is just sad (Although he likes Battlestar Galactica, which is a plus).

As I was watching it last night (I'm still trying to see the hilarity, see), I had a vision from the LORD. Okay, not really, but I remembered many a conversations I had with one Brian Sirles, the former Worship Pastor from our old church. His idea was a show about a church office that included all aspects of church life. I mentioned that it was already done in the 80's when it was called "Amen". Brian dismissed the David Spade imitation and said that it could be an extremely funny show. Brian's idea, I must say, was not based on anything from The Office. Watching The Office, though, I think Brian's idea could really fly and do well.

For research purposes, I youtube'd "Church Office". Oh my goodness, the pile of cheese that I saw on that website should never be spoken of in public! Apparently many had the idea before Brian did. Unfortunately, the quality of writing and acting was horrible in the clips that I watched. They so closely followed The Office that any true originality was lost. Every character in every was just a copy of characters from the show. Can you imagine a Pastor like Michael on The Office? Well, actually we probably could. That's kind of sad, eh?

Instead of these cheesy 4-minute clips, we should work toward creating an actual network version of The (Church) Office. It is still the mock-umentary style, but is its own original show. We could have Kirk Cameron play the Preaching Pastor (or Senior Pastor depending on your ecclesiology) of a medium size mega-church. I could make some calls and see if Roma Downey is available since Touched By An Angel got the cut. If desperate, we could cast Dog the Bounty Hunter...he's a Christian, right? He has some time on his hands. Wow! This could be a hit! Each character will have their own nuances, with little borrowed from the original US edition aside from the general concept, the set, costuming, props, etc. After all, the church should look like the business world, right?

The question will be what network. Major networks would require the show to allow beer commercials and we couldn't have that! Although, if the Hollywood Writer's Strike continues...that could work in our favor. If all else fails, we could put it on TBN. Of course, Kirk Cameron will have to use Joel Osteen's Motivational Speaking, not Preaching, for the Church Office and Paula White's Conflict Resolution for Me and for Me in order to appease the higher ups at the network.

Here are some story ideas:
1) Field Trip Day - The staff goes on a field trip to do some evangelism. Apparently there is a new Mexican Restaurant that has opened up and the Pastor wants to try it out, I mean evangelize there.
2) Shot Down - An entire episode where the Youth Pastor throws out ideas to get kids saved including a Skate Park, an Amusement Park, etc. Each idea is shot down one after another. The show ends with the Youth Pastor leaving, depressed. He heads to McDonald's to pick up dinner where a ton of his youth are. He says "Hi!" and then leaves to eat at home with his dog.
3) Boycott - The church office decides to boycott some event. The episode really writes itself!

If there is anyone who can help with the funding, we can get this project off the ground! What started off as an idea in one Worship Pastor's mind has spiraled out of control to a Network Program with all kinds of merchandising: bracelets, magazines, bibles, t-shirts, books and coffee mugs (World's Greatest Preacher Mug).

On second thought, perhaps we should leave this entire idea in the can...

-mike

daisy and bumperstickers...

Daisy is part Boston Terrier and part Boxer. She has the color and markings of a Boston and the larger size of a Boxer. She has an IQ that could probably rival most frat members. She also has a combined jaw strength of both breeds put together. Rawhides last about an hour. Stuffed animals last about half that long. Quinton Bridges gave us some steak bones that he said should last close to forever...he was a little off. They lasted approximately two and half hours each. Thankfully, she never exercises her jaw muscles on our shoes. Saturday, we got her a new rope (the previous four are in shreds). To hopefully keep this rope longer than a week, I got one for 40-100 pound dogs (she's 28 lbs). Within a day, she had definitely begun chewing through it. *sigh* I wonder if we could get her a steel cable to chew on?

With her stamina and jaw strength, I thought about getting a bumper sticker that says "My dog can beat up your dog!". Then I realized how Michael Vick'ish that sounded and decided to just get one that says, "In case of Rapture, I owe Tim LaHaye a BIG apology!".

-mike

my two favorite girls...

This is Amy talking about bad drivers on the interstate. She's much happier and calm than I ever am when talking about them!

After much coaxing, Amy finally lets me take a posed picture!

Daisy's thinking: "You're really not gonna give me a cookie, are you?"

Daisy's ready to bite my face off!

Daisy...alway's ready for some lovin' and belly rubbin'!

Amy & Daisy...my two favorite girls!

satire

While my dorktitude is extremely high because I put a Dilbert cartoon on my blog, I think it conveys a...true message about America and helping end poverty, etc. Do we really want to do these things if it means a true sacrifice on our part?

Are we willing to give up inexpensive products in order to help others have a living wage? Are Hollywood and Recording Stars willing to carpool in a Biodiesel bus to Award shows in order to save the environment? Are Believers in Christ willing to sacrifice everything in order to be obedient to Christ and share the gospel with people around the world? I'm not sure we can answer yes as quickly as we do...